Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Silent Sadness

Hello~It took me along time to come on here and post an entry. I am feeling an incredible sadness. I am having some hard times here in my world. I won't bore you with them~ I have even cleared out my art studio. Ever since I had that awful flu I am not the same person any more and I don't like what I'm feeling. It feels as though I'm giving up, giving up on everything. You name it, it's been happening to me.... Even a tiny little thing as a swap gone bad! I sent out my swap and I never received mine. Down to the littlest things.... It's all going wrong. I have no energy, no vision, no imagination, no life left in me. I'm scared... It's a sadness that can't be explained~ I don't know what is happening to me. Everything I've loved before is a torture for me now. This big world is so full of mean people and people who will try to zap your imagination and ideas~ I'm so tired of it.. To the point that I don't even want to leave my home, but, I don't like my home! I'm trapped in a world I do not like. I don't know how to escape! I want to create and live in my own little world, but the environment and people around me are preventing that from happening. I need to get back to myself, or invent a new self. I just don't have the energy to try anymore. I've tried so hard to accept the things I have to live with, accept the place I live in, but, I can't do it anymore. I will always post on my blog~I'm just not sure how anymore~ I need my heart uplifted.....


24 comments:

oldflowers4me said...

ok- when you read this grab a pen and paper- i want you to write a list of things- that are good and bad-on top of that list put your childrens names down-think really hard- have you got all your body part-mmm this may sound silly- but your alive- when your finished with the list cross out the things that give you heart ach-there will be some of the most divine things left on your list- work on those things- you are ging into spring- which will let in so much light- get up and put your coat on and take a walk around your garden-you dont have to leave your yard- as this is your space- change your rooms around- play house with music on- oh please never give up- life is for living- we sleep for to long later- oh what do i know- come and sip lemonade with me-im thinking of you love jo.

Alison Gibbs said...

I agree with Jo.
Life gets so tough sometimes and we can't seem to find a way out. It is hard to see the positives.
keep trying to find the positives.
Take care
Alison

jeriray said...

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hope you find some stars! I am hooked on reading blogs and yours is one of those that I enjoy. I hope springtime and all it's glory comes for you soon!

laura said...

I understand...I had a terrible cold in February and lost the month. Too much time inside without enough natural light left me feeling way off...way way off... In the past two weeks I turned a corner...you will too. Just hang tight. Also know that you may just be in a transition space where you need to hibernate before making some major life decisions.

Joanna Rowan Mullane said...

It breaks my heart to hear you this way, just know that you are not alone and this too will pass. Reclaim your power, let in the light and spend some time outdoors. I am a Reiki Master and this is one of my favorite quoyes when I am feeling down-I hope it makes you feel a little better too.
"Having been "washed" on the beach of my humanity and left to live another day, I am at peace with time, at peace with my own heartbeat, my place in the ocean of energy and the vibes of a million creations."
Hugs my friend.

kim said...

Oooh! My heart aches for what is happening to you. Everyone has listed such good thoughts and advice.

I particularly like jeriray's Emerson quote. He is a favorite of mine.

I have been in your place before. Know you are not alone and loved.
Hugs
Kim

Lady Em said...

I sure do hope you feel better soon. I've been through the same thing, and it's not fun at all. You have to find a way out. Whether it be reading books, seeing a therapist, drinking tons of hot tea, long walks, writing, or spending time in the garden. You have to find a way out of the maze. I know I don't know you, but it really upsets me to read this post. Depression is hard hard hard to deal with, and something that I fight with on a daily basis. So take one day at a time, and look to God, he'll guide you along the way.
I send my prayers and love!
~Lady Em~

Miss.Maddie's said...

Sometimes when one has been ill chemical changes occur in the body.If these chemicals are out of balance it can effect your wellbeing.I would suggest you seek some medical advice from a professional.
Once you're back on track the things that you love will be regenerated.Do not despair you are too important to this world.
Susan

*~*TWo PiXie DoLLs*~* said...

I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I just take some alone time and write in a journal. You can look back at what you've written and understand yourself more; how you are feeling and I feel that I really learn a lot about myself through a journal, because I can write whatever I want, and no one ever reads it but me. It's a very personal piece of my life. I have hope that you will make it through this. You are an amazing person, and you have my support and prayers.

Gemma said...

Hi...I'm your secret Faerie
Carinna Dionna Saphire
...sprinkling you with magic faerie dust...
**Whoosh!!**
All shall be well
xx

Counting Your Blessings said...

Oh sweet Lola Enchanted... I too have been there. Lots of us have. But that doesn't really make you feel better does it?! My husband knows this about me: I get busy...I wear myself out... I don't eat well... exhaustion slips easily into a depression. This is what my husband does: "Polly, you're worn out... I'm going to let you rest today but tomorrow you're going to get up and get out of this house... This is enough... This is not from God... He knows the plans He has for your life - plans for hope and future (Jeremiah 29:11).

So, honey, please know that I've been there and because I've been there I want you to rest for a day and then I'll check back with you. Please don't think I'm being cruel. When my husband says it to me I usually break down in tears and sob, "I can't.." But he loves me and says, "YES YOU CAN!" And if for some reason, his tactics don't work, then there's my mother!! She just holds my hands and says in a soft, loving voice, "TAke your eyes off yourself and do something for someone else." Between the two of them, they whip me right into shape =)

Praying with you tonight and every night until you're feeling more yourself. You're NOT alone! Blessings (count them)... Polly

Anonymous said...

hi,

first of all, eat a couple of bananas even if you hate them. be sure you drink lots of liquids. this will help you physically. if you live where spring is springing, take a drive to a place where you can sit among the flowers and know that life hides but always returns in the warmth of the sun.

mary schweitzer said...

This is my first visit to your blog. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I agree that the bad people seem to outweigh the good at times. And when you feel like that it is hard to bounce back and find the joy in things.
I have found such support and encouragment from the online art groups I belong to, I would be lost in depression and solitude without them.
There are good people out there.
I find that when I get like this, the only thing that helps soemtimes is to do something for someone else. Even if they don't know you did it. Just give.
Mary

Melissa said...

Hi Lola, This is the first time I came to your blog and your post made me feel for you. A wise lady told me years ago that flu causes depression, usually after the physical symptoms of the flu are gone, the emotional symptoms linger.

I agree with the others' comments - eat and drink healthy fruits and juices, get some sunshine and fresh air, look for signs of spring - listen to the birds, get outside. This is what I've been doing after a rough March of sickness, financial issues, the death of a dear pet. It has been a hard month.

Good luck to you...

Melissa

zUzU said...

=^..^= sweet Carrie

I am frightened for you. Worried.
Because I understand how dark it is right now.

The most frightening thing for me to hear was that you have given up. To leave your hope hidden and tuck away all that you so love is deep sadness.

Accepting things as they are can only go so far ... Then we must change or die inside.

"When I let go of what I am,
I become what I might be"
~ Lao Tzu

You should not need to bend all the way by yourself. Others must meet you halfway. Unkind words are that of abuse, from another or from yourself. They can cut deeper than a knife.

To become who you might be you must be able to see it so clearly you can near reach out and touch it. Close your eyes. Can you see that life? If you cannot where you are ... you must leave and find the place where you can.

Please, lets talk more. Lets talk of dreams. Of wishes. Spill and I will too.
I understand. I could use a cup of tea with a good friend. Wish you were here close to my door.

Write me when you feel you can, ok?
We will have little cyber teaparties!

=^..^= love you, zU

A fanciful Twist said...

Oh my sweetie. I know how you feel, I have been there... First of all, after a flu, your vitamins are going to be completely depleted, do you take vitamins?? You might need B's... When I am low on my vitamins, my entire being drops to netherworl levels.. That is the physical practical part....

The emotional part is, I have also been there. I feel your pain right now for you. You are so wonderful and such a love. You have to find a little place right within your soul, that has meaning, that you can immerse yourself in.... Life is tough and complicated and not perfect....

Everything is so weird int he world and it all gets overwhleming.... But, you matter, and you are wonderful!!! Play your favorite music outloud, take some deep breaths.... I know, that little place inside you is waiting for you to grasp it!!! Things will get better, they will!!xoxoxooxo

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Cottage Way of Life said...

Awww I am a newbie to your page, but I feel for you just the same as an old friend.
I know what you are going through because I went through the same exact thing after I got back from my honeymoon 3 years ago. We went to NY in the winter for our honeymoon, and I got the flu real bad. I was in our hotel room for 5 days deathly sick, and when I returned home I had lost interest in everything in my life. I couldn't describe what was going on with me to others but I kept thinking that I must have a mild case of depression. How you described everything, is what happened to me. It lasted about a month, and then I made myself get out, and I started working out, going to the gym or going for a walk because I read that exercise helps, and it did for me. I also found that having the sun light hit my skin helped. Everyone has such wonderful advice on here. I wish you well, and take care of yourself.

-Sarah

Susan Tuttle said...

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before we can change direction and find the light again. I believe we learn the most from our painful situations and that they can even be great gifts - they have the power to change our lives, help us see in new ways, and down the road they enable us to experience joy like we never have before. I believe the Universe is truly a loving one and has our best interests at heart - there is always opportunity for healing - you just have to make that choice.

And if you need to get help there is no shame in that.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Susan

Sandi said...

hello,
I just found your blog. I hope that you are already feeling better. There is so much wonder in the world, and time gets away from us so quickly.
Feeling for you, and, wow, you got a gift from Magnolia Pearl!!
VictorianGypsy

Halo Hill said...

I'm so sorry, I've been there. Everything I could say sounds so trivial compared to what you are experiencing. I care, I'm praying.

Sheila

The Urban Chic said...

Just found your blog and I felt like I was reading about myself. Don't give up, you matter to the world. I am right where you are right now. I just lost both parents 5 months apart and I am bipolar and it has knocked me to the ground and I still haven't found a way up. I've been to this place before and in time, God always pulls me to my feet and I take it as a blessing from Him. Do as most everyone says, take a walk in the sunshine and breathe in some clean air. A RAK usually helps me because it makes me feel good and I know that I am making someone else happy that just may need a lift that day. I will pray for you and hope that you find your way out of the darkness. I love your blog and such talent. You may have a chemical imbalance right now, so eat healthy and put yourself first. It's not easy telling someone to snap out of it---I've been told that so many times, I just want to scream, but I usually just become a hermit for a while. I am an addicted crafter and card maker and after my dad died, the day after Christmas and had to give him CPR, I haven't done anything. I want to get his house to live in, but things are looking bleak, but I will not let my dream die until it takes it's last breathe. Big hugs and many prayers. Pat

Stacey Newton said...

Hi-
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling with depression. I actually struggle with anxiety and depression - it's been an ongoing battle since 2003. From what you've written, I would advice you seeking professional help, either from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or both... When I had my first breakdown in 2003, I was basically dysfunctional and could not take care of myself. My family helped tremedously. I began seeing a psychiatrist and he prescribed 2 medicines for me. I am currently still taking one of those 5 years later.... Anyways, it took 2 weeks for me to begin "anew". The only reason I didn't have to go to a mental institution was b/c my family promised to take care of me 24/7... But after those weeks, I was able to go back to grad school in DC (my family was in SC) with the support of a guy I was dating at the time (who is now my husband)...
Anyways, I know this is a lot for me to write and share but I really think you may need to talk to someone professionally. I still see a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist on an as needed basis. Depression is not something to let go unchecked. And it is certainly not something to be ashamed of in any way. I will keep you in my prayers. Please keep us posted as to your condition.
Blessings and love...

Lola Enchanted said...

Thank you all for everything... YOu will never know how much you all have truely touched my heart and soul... YOu 've made my spirit sore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've done what other's couldn't... Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Thank you!!!~